You're All Idiots Who Deserve to be Mocked

You know what? I wasn't even going to do a ranting post this time. My life has been going well lately, and I've been in an exceptionally good mood the last couple days. I sat down tonight, having just remembered that I had a blog post to do, and I couldn't think of a single thing that irritated me enough to bestow on it the prestigious honor of being mentioned on my journalism blog.


Then I logged on to Facebook.


Good lord. We as humans had better hope there's no other intelligent life in our galaxy, and if there is, we had better hope they don't have wireless Internet. Yes, I realize the assumption that a species could develop interplanetary space travel before wireless Internet is stupid, but it's no less stupid than the pages on pages of inane drivel that people find it necessary to clutter the Internet with. From poor grammar, to poor spelling, to posting things that nobody in their sane mind could ever possibly care about, Facebook... you know what? I can't even think of an ending to that sentence that does justice to the linguistic and intellectual travesties that my news feed depicts. In fact, I don't think I can convey my feelings about 99% of the people who use Facebook with words, that's how deep my contempt is. Instead, I'm just going to pick a couple items out of my news feed and explain what my problem(s) with that specific piece are. I'm not putting names with the statuses, because I'm just trying to rant, not publicly belittle anyone. 

"im not sure when it was ever cute to cake makeup on your face?"

That question mark at the end seems a little misplaced, considering that what you just typed is not, in fact, a question. I'm sure you meant it to convey uncertainty, the only problem being that you already did by starting your phrase with "im not sure" leaving the question mark to serve only one function: making you look like a ditz. No matter, because I'm sure every girl towards whom this is directed will see this status, instantly see the light and never cake makeup on their face ever again, all thanks to you and your heroic Facebook post.

"You're all ruining tumblr, stop."

Shut up. Everyone is tired of you hipster crybabies bitc, i mean, whining about how tumblr is being "ruined" now that more than 10 people use it. I challenge anyone who shares this viewpoint to provide me with a valid way in which tumblr is being "ruined." No one anywhere is conforming to one specific opinion on how tumblr should be used, least of all yours. You're just like music fans who decide they don't like a song once it's been played on the radio once; if you're only rationale for whether or not you like something is the number of other people who like it, please refer to the title of this post.

Did everyone see the semi colon I used in that paragraph? Ivy League here I come.

"Homework...... Don't want to talk at all so noone DARE text me"

.......I really hope someone texted her. I don't even know if this quote is completely accurate because I unfriended this person directly after seeing this status. Look, everyone knows when you post these you want someone to ask you what's wrong. If you really didn't want to talk you would simply turn your phone off or not text anyone back. I can't think of any way to put this delicately: You sound stupid when you post statuses like this.

I can't even go through any more stupid statuses, or i actually will start to get annoyed. There are definitely more though, incalculable stupid things are said every single day, so expect this to evolve into a series of posts.

Shut Up

I cannot describe how irritating people are who never shut their mouths. I have no problem with you talking if you actually have something to say, but the world is full of people who just ramble on and on, apparently just to make sure that their mouths can still produce noise.

Everyone has encountered someone like this, either in the classroom or the workplace, or somewhere in day to day life. This type of person usually thinks that every comment that is made within his or her (and it can definitely be his or her; guys are like this just as much as girls are) hearing range is directed specifically at them. Furthermore, not only do they believe that any and all comments are directed exclusively to them, but that a response is expected. Not only expected, but desired, hoped for; the way they see it, the whole world is on the edge of its seat, waiting in breathless anticipation to see what clever, witty, funny, indescribably hilarious comment you've constructed.

Which leads me to another point: people of this nature have the insufferable tendency to think that they're funny. Here is my comprehensive definition of what makes something "funny:"

-A genuinely witty observation

-A comment that causes other around you to become amused, and to appreciate your comedic wit

Notice that there is nothing on this list about blurting whatever semi-coherent thought you formulated while the teacher or person next to you was talking. Honestly, it's like some people have a record playing in their minds that's just incomprehensible nonsense 24/7, and they view silence as an invitation to put the needle down, and shoot whatever it picks up straight out of their mouths, usually in mid-sentence, and regardless of relevance to anything that's happening around them.

In humor, timing is everything. If you have one or two comments that are witty, by all means don't hesitate to say them. It's respectable to put yourself out there like that. But let's play a game. Let's assign the idiot who thinks every time he opens his mouth he is gracing all those within earshot to comedic genius, or else giving them the enlightenment of a lifetime, the number 1. Numbers 2 through infinity will be everyone else who interacts with said idiot. Now, if the pattern of conversation in whatever group you're in goes something like this:

2, 1, 3, 1, 4, 1, 5, 1, 6, 1, 7, 1... etc.

there is a problem. If you have something funny to say, say it, but for the love of god, nothing is funny when we've heard your voice every single time some else stops talking. Nobody in the world is that funny, and if you talk consistently in that pattern, especially thinking you're hilarious, it gets to a point where nobody is listening to the actual words you say. Your voice alone is enough to cause anyone within hearing distance to zone out, and lose just a little more faith in humanity. 

People who talk to much often say things like "It's my personality," or "I'm just outgoing," to avoid taking responsibility and prove that nothing they do is their fault ever. It's not your personality, it's a concerted effort on your part to make other people angry, and it is 100% your fault.  Just because only one or two people say something doesn't mean the rest of us aren't just as annoyed by the constant, garbled, barely intelligible noises that you make in lieu of actual conversation.

Listen, this is one hundred percent serious. I am not exaggerating for the most part, and I am not trying to be facetious or ironic or whatever stupid trendy hipster label you mindless sycophants try to slap on everything. My left side is tingling a little, I'll wrap this up. To recap: